Mini Movie Review: Man of Steel


-2:00 PM
Meeting up with Dad before the movie.

Dad: "How are things? Financially and such? Are you holding your own?"
Limecrete: "I'm not flourishing, but things are OK."
Dad (looking me over): "I see you're eating well."

Fathers' Day!

-3:00 PM
The previews kick off. The sound is turned waaaaaaay up. Dad rips off part of his napkin and stuffs wads into both of his ears, so there are now tufts sticking out from his head.

-3:11 PM
Why are there previews for both Despicable Me 2 and World War Z? Who do they think is in the audience?

-3:28 PM
Apparently, people have time to hold military tribunals when the planet is literally on the cusp of exploding.

-3:50 PM
Oh, for fuck's sake. I don't like shakycam at the best of times, but at least I understand it when you're in the arena and there's a girl throwing a knife at your face. When two characters are simply sitting around exchanging dialogue, it is inexcusable.

-4:14 PM
Russell Crowe may be dead, but that doesn't stop his hologram from standing around as an exposition dump and hectoring people.

-4:20 PM
Hey, it's a Dollhouse handler reunion party! One is head of the military. One gets a single blink-and-you'll-miss-it line.

-4:46 PM
My dad is a lot more forgiving than I am, but the movie manages to lose both of us in the span of ten seconds when Pa Kent stops Clark (whom he knows has super-strength and invulnerability) from saving a dog from an impending tornado, and instead runs into its path himself. So he dies for NO REASON.

-5:01 PM
If throwing someone through a building is entertaining once, it must be a hundred and six times as entertaining to do it a hundred and six times. That's just math.

-5:14 PM
If the citizens of Metropolis (New York) are the most sophisticated people on the planet, they need to stop wordlessly gawking at invading alien ships, and run already.

-5:33 PM
A mini black hole opens, sucking in everything nearby, except Lois Lane, who keeps on falling away from it. I guess she needs to lay off the donuts.

-5:50 PM
The world is saved! Or at least the four square blocks of it that the aliens attacked.

I was never expecting much from this movie, and it lived down to my lack of excitement. It was really more of a loose collection of scenes than a movie. Henry Cavill is scorching hot, and there were a couple of scenes that legitimately drew me in (mostly involving General Zod's second-in-command, who played stone-cold evil to the hilt). But if this is the tentpole that is holding up the summer of 2013, we're in for a rough season.

Man of Steel: C


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