Mini Movie Review: Spectre

Hey, there! Seen the new Bond flick yet? If not, are you going to? If so, maybe skip this post for now, because SPOILERS AHEAD!

-3:43 PM
We arrive at the Esquire, and I head straight for the concession stand. Not for snacks, but for my Twisting Napkins. I get fidgety during thrillers and need to keep my hands busy.

-3:47 PM
Approximately 1.2 billion previews. The topic of how NFL ignores the problem of concussions is an interesting one, but that trailer is just wretched. If I have to hear Will Smith say "TELL THE TROOOOTH!" in that accent one more time, I'm gonna give myself a concussion.

-3:55 PM
The opening scene takes place at the Day of the Dead festival in Mexico City. No doubt the movie plays up the intricacy of the costumes and such, but goddamn, it looks fun.

-3:59 PM
Bond, who is apparently concerned with the lives of innocent people, fires into a hotel window to explode a bomb meant for a stadium full of people. This has the result of completely crushing half a city block of Mexico City, so...let's hope nobody but the bad guys were in those two buildings, I guess?

-4:01 PM
Except for the four people on the street directly outside the ruined buildings, nobody seems to care very much about what just happened. On with the parade!

-4:11 PM
Instead of just holding a gun on an enemy helicopter pilot (you know, like they did in Goldeneye), Bond just murders him and sends the helicopter into a tailspin over the crowded festival. Who do we think has less regard for civilian lives: James Bond or Superman?

-4:15 PM
Opening credits. The visuals are amazing. Sam Smith's song is...not.

-4:39 PM
Bond sleeps with Monica Bellucci, who is not only beautiful, but shockingly age-appropriate for him.

-4:59 PM
We're introduce to Dave Bautista, who is to serve as the main henchman, though I don't think it's giving away too much to mention that he doesn't do much henching. I believe his sole kill of the movie is here, as he calmly murders another bad guy who doesn't even attempt to fight back.

-5:01 PM
Oh, and since this convention Bond just wandered into is EvilCon 2015, we also meet Christoph Waltz's main villain. They stretch this out, but let's just put it out there: He's Blofeld. As with all the Bond villains lately, he's smug and fey. I think it's time to bring back some of the hammier villains.

-5:12 PM
Bond confronts one of his old enemies that I haven't bothered to remember from a previous movie. The man has been poisoned, and after giving Bond some info about his daughter to go follow-up on, he commits suicide. This is all caught on tape.

-5:15 PM
We meet the daughter, who is then immediately kidnapped, though I'm not sure why the bad guys don't just kill her. It's not like she has anything they need.

-5:22 PM
"Hi, I'm Q. I'll just go ahead and do my top-secret spywork out here in public. With a stranger sitting two feet away. NOBODY WATCH ME, PLEASE."

-5:27 PM
The United States and China agree to share a single intelligence network. Sure, it's not like those two will ever want to spy on each other.

-5:33 PM
Dave Bautista eats it in an anti-climactic moment after an anti-climactic chase. Thanks for dropping by, I guess.

-5:36 PM
A torture scene where the torture has absolutely zero effect on its victim.

-5:38 PM
One bullet causes an entire building to blow up. I feel like that's a solvable architectural issue, Mr. Blofeld.

-5:49 PM
Blofeld apparently has the time to set up a Midwestern haunted house. Like, who printed out all those pictures of the faces meant to haunt Bond?

-5:52 PM
Bond takes down another aircraft which is flying over another densely-populated city. Please stop trying to kill innocent civilians, 007.

-6:02 PM
Weaselly sub-villain who's been too boring to mention until now dies unspectacularly. Blofeld gets arrested, but survives to evil another day.

All-in-all, this was a pretty disappointing Bond movie. The Day of the Dead sequence was neat, but everything after that was just a shell of what these movies are supposed to be. The bad guys aren't that bad, the good guys aren't that good, the plot is under-baked, and for a movie that's supposed to have dire consequences for the globe's populace, it didn't really involve much beyond the half dozen core cast members. In every interview he's done about this, Daniel Craig has appeared cranky and lackluster about this project. Now I see why.

Spectre: C+


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