Mini Movie Review: X-Men: Apocalypse

Hello, gentle reader! Have you seen the new X-Men movie yet? Are you going to? Do you wish to avoid spoilers? Then turn back now! Rather than parcel out the little observations to timepoints like usual, I'm going to do something different today, and just point at the scenes that stood out for being either awesome or... less so. The reviews for this movie have been brutal, and though I'm about to nitpick the everloving shit out of it, I can't agree with the detractors. Yes, it's deeply silly in parts, but I thought it was perfectly enjoyable, overall. That said, let's get to the fun part. Pointless complaints!

-So, wait. I can totally accept that humans have developed some impressive futuristic technology and that evolution has led to mutated humans with special powers. That said, this world is still based on science and technology, right? Not magic? Because I don't understand how all this upward-gold-flowing-glowing-pyramid bullshit is happening in the first scene.

-And this ancient relic has lain silent and undisturbed for centuries, despite the fact that it is literally twenty feet below the streets of Egypt. Like, you could open a manhole cover and see it.

-Apocalypse awakens and wants to wipe the world clean because...REASONS.

-Cyclops gets in trouble for asking to leave class early. Literally ten seconds early. So #1: See if you can hold in that burgeoning power for five seconds, Scott, and #2: Shut up, teacher.

-I know Jennifer Lawrence hates the makeup, which explains why there's very little blue Mystique in this movie. What it doesn't explain is why there's so little Mystique-in-other-forms. I think I counted two impersonations in the 144-minute running time.

-"Hi, Psylocke! Want to join the evil team?" "Sure." "Why?" "Because...REASONS."

-Stop leaving Jubilee out of stuff! Yes, her powers are useless, but I like her for no discernible reason!

-Hey, soldiers? I'll accept that the first three to five of you die because you didn't realize that the bullets aren't hurting Wolverine. But maybe the twentieth guy shouldn't just stand there blasting away?

-There was really no need for Magneto to be in this movie at all, but I understand why they wanted Michael Fassbender back. That said, it's getting worse and worse the amount of shit they need to shovel onto him to put him in enough pain to turn evil yet again.

-Though his initial re-entry into evil is a cool scene, the foreshadowing could not have been more blatant. Here's Erik in a sun-dappled cottage with a loving wife and adorable daughter! Nothing bad could possibly happen to them!

-He's a smart guy. How come a handful of bad people = Let's wipe out the human race, but a handful of bad mutants = NBD?

-And what's his plan, anyway? Destroy the world, and then what? What comes next for him? It doesn't matter, because...REASONS.

-Oh, it's not fair. The Quicksilver scene was the best thing about Days of Future Past, and guess what? It's the best thing in this one, too. Sure, it's a blatant rehash, but it totally works.

-I know there was some timeline resetting in the franchise, so maybe it's not a giant plothole that Mystique and Nightcrawler meet in this movie. Because they don't know each other when they meet in X2. And that's entirely leaving out the comics canon of her being his mother, because in both movies, they're basically the same age.

-I sure hope Storm gets more than four minutes of screentime in the next one.

-Jean, since you're the most powerful mutant on Earth or whatever, maybe you could do something besides standing around looking perturbed until someone asks for your help. Take some initiative! Even if it's not mutant-related, you could maybe try to aid your wounded friends!

-If we must have an origin story for Dr. Xavier's baldness, you could do a lot worse.

-Dr. Xavier immediately forgives Magneto and wants him to stay on at the school. I guess no repercussions for those thousands of people he just killed, because...REASONS.

X-Men: Apocalypse: B


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