Are You Ready For Some...Suicidal Depression?!?!?

Woooooo! Football! OK, fine. You caught me. I watch maybe three football games a year. But even though I'm not a superfan, there's often fun to be wrung out of the Football Experience. Normally, I'd watch the Super Bowl with friends, but this year, I headed over to my dad's house. Snacks were distributed and we two macho dudes settled down for some real man bonding time. And...my dad started crying at the National Anthem. I've told you, he emotional! But I'm sure the anthem will be the only downer part of the evening. After all, we're here for some FOOTBALL! GRRRR! Get ready for the joyous expulsion of testosterone, and...

I mean, it's nice that the NFL doesn't want women to be abused, but they could stand to check out some of the cracks in their glass house before throwing that stone. Oh well, no big deal. Back to the FOOTBALL! The refs aren't calling enough penalties (according to my dad - I was focused on the M&M's at this point), the points are finally starting to accumulate, and...

Um. What, exactly, was the point of this ad? Absentee Father Shows Up Once: Is Hero. I was honestly baffled by this commercial. I have no idea what message it was trying to get across, or if they just thought sad music plus family scenes was enough to tug at the heartstrings. Oh, and maybe don't play "Cat's In the Cradle" when showing a racecar driver getting into crashes? Just a thought.

Anyhow...FOOTBALL! Get your blood pumped, you guys! Get excited! Get...

Er... This one is almost as baffling. I mean, sure. Don't do heroin. Good message! But there doesn't really seem to be any there there. Jaunty music as a kid ODs. BOOM. Your mind is blown now. This was actually a local commercial that wasn't seen nationwide, so I guess St. Louisans have just been having too good of a year and needed an extra dose of bummer.

Seriously, though, what is up with the commercials this year? There are some cute ones here and there. Some of the celebrity cameo ones are clever. I'll never need to buy maxipads, but the Always #LikeAGirl campaign has a great message. If you'd have told me the funniest commercial was going to be for avocados, I would never have believed it! But as a group, these ads were so maudlin and morose.

And of course, it wouldn't be Super Bowl without some controversy. This year, it's over something way more important than spousal abuse, drug addiction, and neglected kids. That's right. The big fight this year is over...beer.

I come not to bury this ad, but to (sort-of) praise it. My Facebook wall is full of comments both for and against it. It's already started taking a beating online. And frankly, I can't argue with a lot of the points that article makes. I will say that there is a place in this world for both meticulous craft beer and cheap swill, just like there's room in my heart for both coq au vin and chicken strips. It all depends on the occasion. So, I won't argue that Budweiser is actually a superior product or that they're the good guys when it comes to business practices. What I will argue is that the trope this ad makes fun of does exist, I have definitely run across beer hipsters who sneer at other people's drinks, and thus, the commercial made me laugh. I'll leave it at that.

But here's Katy Perry to cheer us up! I liked the halftime show this year. The dancing sharks were a bit...odd, but the light and effects work was fantastic, and I was really happy to see Missy Elliott looking and sounding so good. Plus, the game is getting more competitive, so let's all take a deep breath and get back on track with some FOOTBALL! We're all happy! We're all...

WHAT?!? Jesus fucking Christ, 2015! Apart from this being just a tonal disaster (starts off light-hearted, ends on DEAD KID), what is this supposed to imply? Become more of a helicopter parent so your kids can take a dog to the open ocean? Buy insurance so you can get a replacement child once your accident-prone one has been buried? This has been, bar none, the weirdest and most off-putting year of commercials I've ever seen. In a way, the game ending with a blown play, a fistfight, and the most insufferable team in the league walking away with another win was fitting. And if this is what we have to look forward to in the year of advertising, let's all stock up on our Paxil now.